Blogal vomit part two ( some healing )

I got slapped in the face. Hard. Just now.
My last post was two years ago and the question posed was,
"In two years, how will your life be any different?"

Whoa. How is my life different?

It is totally different from two years ago and also I am the same in many ways.
(up until now)

It is drastically different in the way we thought our business is going, God had opened some doors for us that we didn't even know where an option two years ago. He gave us a radio show, which has just been a really big blessing for us. We aren't making money off it, and we don't really know if anyone is listening or not... But we really have fun doing it! Scott loves to write and be creative, so this gets him into doing that every day. He is really opening up deep again with his writing, and I am excited to see what the Lord has in store for Scott. I like doing the radio with him because I get to sit with Mr.Black and give him cues and time cues and high fives during the breaks. I don't really do much, but he says that I am a big help, so I am happy to do it!

Our family is now drastically different. We now have a baby who is 15 months old, and the light of our lives. He really is a little bundle of joy. He is one of the happiest babies I have ever seen. He is so inquisitive and smart. I really think he understands a lot more than we think he does. I heard the other day, " Two year olds speak half English and half God." I love this saying so much. It's so true. Benaiah is learning about every single thing in his life right now, every aspect of living in this world is pouring into his Godly little brain. I believe that he can see spirits, I really do. He is such a beam of light. The only explanation I have of him is that he is truly a miracle baby... I know that now more than ever.

Some things that are similar: Our housing situation is very similar to what we were going through two years ago. Two years ago, we were evicted from our dream home, Now, two years later, we are facing another eviction fora nother foreclosure. Except this time the guy we were renting from had just been pocketing our money and he got the house taken away. Been searching for a home for my family for a month and half now and we keep getting turned down at every place. Two years ago when we had to move, we had no clue where we would go. At the last possible moment, (the day before we were moving) God gave us a temporary home. I am praying that He delivers us again, and no matter where we go, he delivers us into some rest.

Two years ago in June I found out I was pregnant with my first baby. What a weird time that was for me. So filled with anger and uncertainty. I had no clue what was to become of me, as a mother, and taking care of a child! And working! I didn't know how I was going to do it. And come to think of it,  I still dont hahah. I am getting better at managing six hats at once, but I have the dooming feeling that I just can't take it anymore. At least just not right now. I found out I was pregnant again about a month ago. I was actually really happy this time. I was just as scared as the first time, but I knew that there was a beautiful soul at the end of all of it, and it was so amazing on so many levels. Benaiah could have a sibling to grow up with, I could be a full time stay at home mom and focus on my babies and healing myself.
a Week ago, On My birthday, April 3rd,  I lost that baby... Hands down this has been the most painful experience I have gone through thus far in my life. The actual miscarriage was physically painful, but the emotional pain I feel is just so overwhelming at times. I wanted to just stop the world so I could cry and get it all out. Luckily I have some amazing girlfriends that also have been through this, who let me scream and cry and laugh and sccream some more at them. They understand. And I still feel so alone with it. I am just supposed to move on. Get on with life, there is so much going on around my family and I, that there isn't time for me to stop and grieve right now. that is why Iam writing this little blog here. I want to let some of this go, and I can come back to it a little while later.

I know that my God will deliver me and my family through all of this, and all the Glory will be His. Through the ups and downs and the impossibles, He always has been there and always will be there.

I am on the edge of my seat, here... I can't wait to see what happens next!